Wednesday, June 30, 2010

words words words

Centering myself with the wisdom of others.

"moved as she was by some instinctive need of distance and blue"
- Virginia Woolf

"Cause crazy is perfect, and fucked up is perfect, so I will be perfect."
- Next to Normal

"The whole sea for miles ran red and gold"
- Virginia Woolf

"Then beneath the colour there was the shape. She could see it all so clearly, so commandingly, when she looked: it was when she took her brush in hand that the whole thing changed. It was in that moment's flight between the picture and her canvas that the demons set on her who often brought her to the verge of tears and made this passage from conception to work as dreadful as any down a dark passage for a child. Such she often felt herself - struggling against terrific odds to maintain her courage; to say: 'But this is what I see; this is what I see,' and so to clasp some miserable remnant of her vision to her breast, which a thousand forces did their best to pluck from her."
- Virginia Woolf

Perhaps a bit heavy on Virginia Woolf...but perhaps I am simply and instinctively in need of distance and blue.

Monday, June 28, 2010

my sailboat and me

What I really want is a sailboat.

Really, though. Sure, I want a new computer. I want a job and a new car, even a new used car, that'd still be lovely. I wouldn't say no to a Nordstrom or Victoria's Secret gift card. Fuck, I love underwear. I want direction, health, wholeness, gymnastics training, voice lessons. Krav Maga. A horse.

But I keep coming back to my sailboat.

I mean, do you really need anything on a sailboat? It's water, it's sun, it's wind, and it's you. And you control where you go, and when, and how quickly. Except the kicker is - you don't, not entirely. It's give and take, you and whatever else is out there with you, that water, that sun, those winds. That's the beauty of a sailboat. I feel like out there I'd be integrally part of something immense, but somehow also acutely myself. Somehow.

I just have this image of pulling ropes and tying sails, and probably pulling and tying muscles, and spending sweaty salted days out where everything sparkles. I hope there's a place where everything sparkles. I want to find it, and live in it, and when I get there, I hope they give me a sailboat.